No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
