my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
