I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
