Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
