tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
