So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
