i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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