Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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