THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
