But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
