He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
