cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
