At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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