I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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