I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
