I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize