it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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