I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it because I queefed?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
