she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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