I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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