I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
