After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
