I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
