If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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