Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
