It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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