either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
