I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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