also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
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