Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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