respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
