She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
he was CRYING into my vagina
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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