I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
