Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
