I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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