i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
