now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You ruined the universe
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
