I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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