I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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