What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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