a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
