no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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