Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
