She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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