I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize