everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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