he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
