it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
