if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
