and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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