you mean i was at the winter classic?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
