So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
