Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
