I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
