Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
