Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
