Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
