Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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