It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
