o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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