i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
