theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was not drunk enough for that final.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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