Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
